Do You See What I Hear
By Tom Hoobyar
Article Word Count 1252, average reading time 5 minutes
First, let's talk about why we're taking all this attention with 'where people's eyes go'
.
Then why we're going further to see what body movements and postures can tell us about how people are feeling and reacting to us.
"What's that got to do with getting along with people? I'm not going to spend my life watching where their eyes go."
Patience, my friend. Me neither. I've been at this people-reading business, as boy and man, for over 50 years, and I don't spend all my time caring about where people's eyes go.
Yet here's the thing: Most of us, who want to do better with others, have this one thing in common -- we spend way too much of our attention being aware of ourselves!
It's as if>>>, we're all walking around worrying about how others see us. We think it is all about us, on a personal level.......We tend to take looks/glances/comments as it they were ONLY directed at some lack, some flaw in our character....We imagine the comments/looks/glances/written words are directed at us, no one else. We find fault with our Self, we tend to assume the 'fault' was noticed by others....We may then withdraw from further contact and silently blame our Self for the imagined fault...At some level we may feel embarrased or ashamed.....We may act as if we don't care, yet deep inside we do care.
We wonder whether our slip is showing, did we say the 'wrong' thing?, or if our fly is open, or whether we have lipstick (or spinach or tobacco or whatever) stuck between our teeth.
Chances are about 85% none of that is real..."We" are the only ones who noticed anything at all. "We" chose the meaning of the look/the glance/the words and ...........we are probably 100% WRONG......
And that's the reason why we start by sharing these discoveries about universal human nature -- how we all behave, and what's going on inside of each one of us.
Here's the key: STOP taking life as personal comments on your imagined 'imperfections'.
First, because it's reassuring to learn that we're so much alike. Most people don't know that.
And second, as our awareness grows about how others work, we can start paying more attention to them than to ourselves.
And that's the key to communicating successfully. We need to develop awareness, on a constant basis, that there is a world outside us, peopled with other humans just like us, who are each frequently obsessed with their own internal situations and feelings. Many of us were brought up to feel guilt and/or shame for 'not knowing'....by parents, by teachers, by other care-givers, by 'best friends'....the list is endless..
How could we know EVERYTHING
So, that explained, let's cover this material, and then learn how to use it.
I hope you had an interesting time watching people's eye movements, when they weren't looking at something outside themselves, but looking at something inside themselves. That most often happens when someone is reacting to a question, rehearsing an answer or a story, or just lost in thought.
It can happen if you ask someone a question or make a remark that brings up a memory, or triggers them to imagine how something might look.
So, for inside pictures, the key to their eye direction is, up and right, accessing memories. Up and to your left, probably imagining how something might look (Right=Remembered, Left=Legendary). And the Thousand Yard stare is also visual.
That covers about 90 % of us. The other 10% are flipped (reversed), and no, it doesn't matter if they're left-handed or not. You can determine specifically how each person is wired by asking a question and watching where their eyes go to get the information for an answer.
But the most important "large chunk" piece to take with you is --- eyes up or straight ahead and unfocused = inside visual -- images, from either memory or imagination.
Here's a couple more quick things about eye direction -- what the techies call "eye accessing".
It's called that because when eyes aren't being used to look at something outside a person, they are being used by the brain to consider its own information. And that information is in the language of the senses, remember? Primarily pictures, sounds and feelings.
"Okay, Tom, you've told us about pictures, where are the sounds and feelings? How about when someone is hearing something?"
You can notice that, too. First you need to know what types of sounds they could be. So use yourself as a subject. What types of sounds can you hear from inside your head? I don't mean to catalog all of the sounds you can hear, just the SOURCES of sounds -- like, where do they come from?
I suggest that you, like me and most of the rest of the world, get your sounds from three sources.
First, there are sounds as you remember them. It could be music from a love affair (sigh!), something someone said, movies and parties and classrooms and scoldings and people laughing and making love and -- I could go on all night. Whew! There're millions of them, aren't there?
Second, there are imaginary sounds. What would it sound like if you were to be in a jet fighter plane? A space ship? A submarine? A forest fire? A riot? Or if YOU were the one accepting an award, like an Oscar? Or all of the things you've imagined or dreamed from what you read or thought about in your life? Again, millions of sounds, stored away in the amazing vault of your brain.
Third and finally, there are the sounds you make to yourself, in the privacy of your own mind.
Like the comments you're probably making to yourself while you read these words. That's okay. We're all adding editorial comments to the experiences of our lives, almost all the time.
So those are the three sources of internal sounds that a person might be paying attention to, in addition to things coming at them from outside. Like you, for instance.
Just like the visual eye movements we talked about, a person's eye movements will indicate the source or type of sound being heard inside. This time a person's eyes will move to one side or another at ear level, instead of upwards like the visual.
Yes, their eyes will move towards one ear or the other. Again, Right=Remembered, and Left=Literal imagination (or imagined); . If the eyes shift direction to your right (when you're facing them) they are probably remembering how something sounds. If their eyes flick towards your left -- they are probably trying to imagine how something would sound.
How about the third source of internal sound? which we call "self-talk".
Mostly, down and to your right. When people go "downright", they're probably commenting on something. Maybe they're agreeing. Maybe they're disagreeing. Maybe they're coaching themselves. Hard to say. But something's being said.
Last area of eye accessing clues.
Someone looks down and to your left. Oh. Feelings. That's right, they're accessing emotional stuff. Down and to your left, "loading up" on feelings.
So a thought process could look like this as an example:
"How was your date?"
Eyes up and right = remembered image...., then down right = self talk about it,...... then down and left to feelings about the image....... Then perhaps they look at you and smile. "Good date!"
Once again for this week, do nothing with this information beyond developing your awareness of it. And you can do that without exposing yourself or taking any social risks.
Just occupy your world, and watch. Become aware of the flood of information that each of us is displaying on an ongoing basis.
Next week we'll start looking at bodies and people interacting, at what gestures and postures have to teach us about people's internal states, and perhaps how they are reacting to us.
Communication between humans (and even other mammals) is a kind of a dance. We each have an impact on the other, and the total can be beautiful, or it can be awkward.
We find ourselves being attracted or put off by people without really knowing why -- and frequently the cause is mismatching body language.
Like in dancing, the success or failure of relationships can depend on grace. Or its lack. I'm hoping that this information will help you to avoid "stepping on each other's toes".
Seeya,
Tom Hoobyar
(Excerpted from "Friendly Persuasion", by Tom Hoobyar
